To Cope or Not to Cope....

One of the most difficult facts to for me to digest was accepting that life will never be 'normal' again.  I will, no matter what, always be this broken, bereaved, grieving mother.  These are titles I will never be able to overcome, relinquish, or delete. 

However, this new way of life can be worth living again if you choose to cope.

Whether you are just beginning on this path, or have wandered aimlessly for years trying to make sense of it all, from my own experience, it is never too late to choose to deal, to manage, to cope. 

I cannot promise that we will ever heal or recover from our sadness, but I can promise that with time, with coping, you will learn to give yourself permission to live, smile, even laugh again. 

The rough patches will always occur.  Sometimes expected, sometimes kicking your feet out from under you rendering you helpless with grief, drowning in sorrow.  It is in those times that we learn to pick ourselves back up, move forward, and reemember the miracle of our children's short lives, instead of dwelling on tragedy of their deaths.

Creating purpose, embracing support, and understanding that there is life after death - you can survive this.

Love, Jes


Read my story here...

Response to CafeMom/The Stir Blog entitled: "SIDS No Longer Cause of Baby Death."

Dear April:

I read your article entitled: "SIDS No Longer Cause of Baby Death."  I must say I am hurt and at the very least offended by your article. 

My name is Jes.  I am a bereaved mother.  My son’s cause of death:  SIDS. 

I run a huge support network which consists of bereaved mothers, fathers, siblings, extended family members, friends, babysitters, and those looking to educate themselves.  From the content of your article, it looks like you could possibly use some education in not only FACTS surrounding a SIDS determined cause of death; but it also sounds like you need to educate yourself on what a bereaved parent, a SIDS parent’s struggle with coping with such a devastating and tragic loss.

Your article was carelessly written and holds little no merit or fact.  The damage your article could do to many bereaved parents could be irreparable, at the very least.

“Many factors argue persuasively that SIDS is not a result of suffocation. The epidemiological profile of SIDS makes it impossible to believe that accidental (or homicidal) suffocation is the mechanism of death in the overwhelming majority of these babies. Infants who die of SIDS generally are between two and five months of age, die more commonly in winter than other months, and are healthy, fed, placed in bed, and then found dead during a period when sleeping was thought to be occurring. When the death scene is investigated, evidence suggesting suffocation is not seen. For example, circumstances which might cause suffocation, such as items in the crib or finding baby's nose and mouth compressed against another surface when discovered lifeless, are not identified. Further, postmortem examination of babies dying of SIDS does not reveal physical signs of occlusion of the nose and mouth, and foreign bodies are not identified in the upper airway. Finally, experienced forensic pathologists are able to discern quite easily the signs of resuscitation as opposed to suffocation.” 

I assume from your profile you are not a bereaved parent.  SIDS has not stolen one of your children.  You have not had to pick out a casket nor arrange a funeral for your child.  I again am assuming that since you have not buried your children, you have not had to deal with the guilt, the self-loathing, suicidal ideations, the constant emptiness, worthlessness.  You have not had to find your child, lifeless, motionless and grey. 

You’ve never heard the words:  “We couldn’t’ save your baby, I’m sorry.”  Your heart, I’m sure, doesn’t skip a beat when you hear your dead child’s name called by another mother, randomly, in the grocery store.  I’m sure you’ve never had to bake a cake, only to sit and let your tears fall into the icing because YOU are blowing out the candles at a cemetery. 

I can only assume since you are not a SIDS mother, you haven’t had to deal with the looks, the whispers, the egg-shells people walk on when they’re around you.  I’m sure that your LIVING children haven’t been forgotten by almost the entire world because even your closest friends fear talking about the subject of your dead baby like it’s the plague.

Questioning yourself, what you should have, could have, would have done; and knowing you can’t change the past and begging God at the top of your lungs with tear-filled eyes to take you instead. 
I suggest that you visit my web-site and watch “The Heartbreak of SIDS” and then do some research, real research.  http://www.learningtocope.weebly.com/

Believe me, as a SIDS mother, one of the hardest things to swallow is there is NO REASON for my son, my AIDEN, to be gone from this Earth. 

It is my hope that you responsibly and compassionately retract your unfounded statements and ludicrous opinions and empathize with the parents, the SIDS parents, you have just thoroughly offended and hurt with this article.

If you would like to be educated, please let me know.

Jes