There is Life After Death

"Do not borrow pain from your future." - Scott Roy
This blog entry is dedicated to Karla Roy.

Drowning in our grief, sadness, guilt, we look ahead.

Will tomorrow, next month, next year meet the same fate as I have met today?  The endless tears; my aching heart; my empty arms.

We, often times, don't give ourselves the chance to cope and rebuild our strength because we have already planned for our future emotions.

The sadness is there, and will always be there to some degree.  The anger will come and go.  Its what we do with our emotions that mean the difference between living and just merely existing.  If you plan to drown in your grief, you will.

I found myself, for years, drowning myself in sadness and in anger.

I was angry that I had to bury my son.
I was angry I had to pick out a casket my 4 1/2 month old son.
I was angry I had to arrange a funeral for my 4 1/2 month old son.
I was angry that Aiden didn't have a chance at LIFE; a full life: his first day of kindergarten, prom, getting ground, marriage, jobs, girls, just LIFE.
I was angry that I couldn't protect Aiden from SIDS.
I was angry that everyone seemed to have stopped remembering that he existed.
I was angry that I stumbled upon words when I was asked how many children I had.
I was angry that I didn't take enough pictures of Aiden when he was here.
I was angry that those who, in my eyes, didn't deserve children had theirs and Aiden lay in a cold ground.

Day in and day out, I knew I would wake up and in that split second before conciousness fully set in, I would forget that Aiden had died.  I looked forward to that.  And when reality set back in, I accepted the fact and owned that I was going to be bitter, angry, and sad -- for the rest of my life.

I set myself up for this.  I planned out my emotions.  I told myself everyday that I'm going to be angry; I'm going to be sad; and this is just fine.

This wasn't fine.  This wasn't okay. 

Aiden died.  I didn't.  I had to live.  I owed it to Aiden and to myself to live FOR him.  I owed it to Aiden to cherish his brother and sisters.  I had to LIVE and be the best mother, I could be.

I am still Aiden's mother, only my responsibilities have changed.

Allow yourself to feel these emotions, vent them, and change them; but never own them or plan them. 

Love, Jes