Siblings and Grief

When Aiden passed away in 2004, Caleb, my eldest was about a year and a half.  Although he was young, he saw everything that morning.  He sat at the side of his crib as I screamed.  He watched the attempted CPR.  He was there when the paramedics took Aiden away.  He absorbed it all; felt it all.  I can't help but wonder sometimes if this changed him somehow; changed who he would have been if he hadn't been there to see all of this.

Caleb was also at the funeral.  He watched as I kissed his baby brother goodbye for the last time.  He saw Aiden motionless, lifeless, in a tiny casket.  He was there when we placed a rose and kissed the casket for the last time before they lowered his baby brother into the Earth. 

Caleb was there when Mommy didn't want to get out of bed. 
Caleb was there when Mommy cried, and cried, and cried.
Caleb was there when Mommy screamed at God.
Caleb was there when Mommy cleaned Aiden's plaque at the cemetery.
Caleb was there through every birthday and anniversary.
Caleb saw.
Caleb felt.
Caleb has absorbed all of this grief.

The year after Aiden died, and again in 2008, I gave birth each of those years to two girls.  Although they never 'met' Aiden, they too, are there through every birthday, every anniversary, every 'rough patch'.

All three of them (Caleb, Adia and Maia) know they have a brother, Aiden, who is the brightest star in the night sky, who is an angel in Heaven, and who Mommy misses dearly and sometimes cries for. 

It is my opinion as a mother, and a bereaved mother, that children have the ability to absorb and understand more than we give them credit for.  Their output is limited due to their obvious lack of vocabulary, but children can sense, they can feel, and they do remember.

We, as adults, are trying to cope and at the same time rebuild our lives around this hole in our hearts. Sometimes, we get so caught up in our own grief, depression and mourning that we forget that our other children, although resilient, are grieving too. At least, thats how it was for me.

I am reminded though, by my children, that they too are grieving the same loss.  While they may not fully understand, they do know that a part of our world is, in a sense, missing.

When I'm sad, Caleb automatically contributes this to missing Aiden.  He tells me that he misses him too.

Adia, when playing with her dolls, used to think that all babies died... like her brother did.

Caleb, Adia and Maia will all make every bright star known to me and remind me, that this is Aiden looking down on us.

Being a mother is hard on its own.  Being a bereaved mother, overwhelming.  Explaining SIDS to your living children, heartbreaking.  I can't even explain a logical reason half the time to myself.

The following is my own personal advice as a mother, and bereaved mother.  I am not a counselor, doctor, or therapist.  However, I have walked this path and found these most helpful in dealing with my own experience.

• Have conversations about this loss with your living children.  Allow them to speak freely about how they feel.  This will not only inform you of where they're at, but allow them to feel comfortable in speaking about this with you.  Remember:  They love you.  They don't want to make you sad.  So if they feel like its not okay to talk about this, they won't. 
• Allow them to be a part of baking cakes on birthdays, balloon releases, or whichever activity you choose to remember and celebrate your angel's life. 
• Children often say things very bluntly.  As stated earlier, Adia believed all babies simply died.  Try not to get too emotional and never scold your child for speaking about this or like this.  Children have the uncanny ability to blame themselves for everything that they can't explain.  Offer an explanation and remind them it is not their fault, or YOURS.
• Always, let your children know that its okay to miss their brother or sister and encourage them to talk about their feelings.  Bottled up emotions are a disaster, not only for us, but especially for children.
• And finally, when speaking about Heaven, always remind them that this is a place they cannot go.  Children do not fully understand the concept of death and Heaven.  They may misconstrue this and think Heaven is just like going to Chuck-E-Cheese. 

For additional information please visit:  http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf

As always, if you have additional questions, please feel free to ask.

- Jes