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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Accepting the Unacceptable

What is acceptance?  Acceptance is defined as the "willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation."

Understanding facts as reality and accepting are very different.

We know our children are dead.  We without a doubt know death is final; our children won't be coming home again.  We know we will never be able to watch them grow, but instead have to lower them in the ground. These statements may sound harsh, but so is the reality of a bereaved parent.

These facts are without question and after the initial state of shock is over and the full weight of reality has set in, the facts are raw, clear, and final

However, this is not 'acceptance.'

For a long time, I thought because I was not in denial about my son being dead, I mean, I knew he wasn't alive, I thought I had 'accepted' this.  I understood the logic and realness of this tragedy, and because I 'got it', I accepted it.  Right?  Wrong.

Acceptance for me could be more defined as peace; an inner peace within myself.   Don't get it wrong, peace is not defined, for me, as happiness or anything near that. 

Peace meant that the constant bickering between emotions and logic ceased.  Peace meant the 'why's' stopped.  Peace meant emotional allowance.  Peace allowed me to eventually let go of some of the bad, in order that I could remember the good and ultimately to make more 'good'.

If you know my story, you know that for years I struggled with anger.  Yes, yes, I know there are certain key stages we all must go through to complete this 'cycle' of grief I keep hearing about.  While this 'cycle' may be a foundation or prediction of things that could occur, each individual is different.  What I can agree on, is the final stage is definitely 'acceptance.'

For me, to find some inner peace, I had to accept the following:

1.)  I will always be sad.  Even on my brighest day, with my biggest smile, I will still stop in that instant and wish Aiden was there with me to share in whatever joy is occurring.

2.)  There will be rough patches.   I will go for days without crying, and without warning I will hear Aiden's name called in a grocery store... and remember; remember that he isn't here.

3.)  Holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries will always be bittersweet occassions.

4.)  I am still Aiden's mother, and have a responsibility to him.  Aiden's life and death were not in vain.

5.)  I will, for the rest of my life, have to share Aiden's story with those who will listen and those who don't want to. 

6.)  I will give myself permission to live without feeling guilt.  Loving my son is not defined by the amount of tears I cry or the hours I spend alone locked in my room.

7.)  And finally, I had to accept that I do not control and cannot control everything.  Whatever is supposed to happen will, and not supposed to happen, will not.  SIDS is not my fault.

Acceptance for me was accepting that my reality may be a little more sad, a little more dark, than those who have never had to bury their children.

Love, Jes






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