Shoulda-Coulda-Woulda: Guilt and Blame

Guilt and blame are two core ingredients associated with grief.  They are two of many vicious emotions which call into question they very essence of who we are as people, as parents.  Allowing guilt and blame to exist can eat away at who we are, and shape our futures into who we will be.


Let me start out by saying this:
SIDS is NOT your fault. 
SIDS is NOT the result of an imperfect parent. 
SIDS is NOT the result of you not loving your child enough. 
SIDS is NOT the result of abuse, neglect, or carelessness.


Not to draw any credibility away from pain endured after losing an infant (or child) to disease, accident or other means of death, SIDS, as you know, can be very different.


There is no known cause for SIDS.  There are no warning signs.  There is no cure. 


SIDS leaves more unanswerable questions, which, in my opinion and through my experience, can leave a parent to ultimately lay the burden of guilt on their own shoulders in order that blame can be placed somewhere, anywhere. 


For years, my mind could make no sense and could draw no logic from this unanswerable pain.  There were no signs.  Aiden just simply, died?  My heart and brain could not process this.  I blamed myself.  The ‘woulda-shoulda-coulda’s’ rang deep and constant. 


Guilt and blame, in my opinion, are our minds way of ‘auto-correcting’.  If there is no foreseeable and logical answer, it must be my fault; I must have done something to cause this.


Absolutely wrong. 

“Many researchers and clinicians have a strong sense that the SIDS process, whatever it turns out to be, cannot be easily interrupted or stopped. However, it is important to always perform resuscitation efforts, because a SIDS diagnosis cannot be made at the time the baby is found not breathing. If a baby is revived, it is generally found that the baby temporarily stopped breathing due to recognized medical problems(i.e. apnea) or an Apparent Life Threatening Event (ALTE), an extended period of apnea.”  - SIDS Resources Ray of Hope:  http://www.sidsresources.org/ParentInfo.HTM

As we all know, it takes months to get a SIDS diagnosis/COD rendered.  SIDS can only be determined after every other cause of death has been ruled out and after a full autopsy has been preformed. After the reading I have done, I am of the firm belief that once the SIDS process begins, efforts to make it stop, go unheard.

Even if I had checked on Aiden at the very moment he took his last breath, it wouldn’t have mattered.  I would not have been able to revive my son.

Throughout the years of self-destructive and self-inflicted torment, I have learned, looking back, that if you tell yourself the sky is purple… after a while, it’ll appear that way.
If you blame yourself and allow the guilt to override fact and truth, in your mind, it’ll appear that way.

On the flipside, if you remind yourself that it isn't your fault with your rational mind, that guilt will begin to somewhat dissipate. 

Having a glass of orange juice the day that your child died, instead of having milk, wouldn’t have changed the events that unfolded that day.

I realized that blaming myself wasn’t going to bring Aiden back.
I realized hating myself wasn’t going to bring Aiden back.
I realized reliving that day over and over again in my mind, wasn’t going to allow me to change the past.

Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting Aiden, his memory, or even that day, June 15, 2004.

Moving on, to me, means that I had to stop concentrating on tragedy of Aiden’s death and start celebrating the 4 ½ months I had with him; celebrate the memories I have; celebrate his smile.

Love, Jes