SIDS: A Father's Journey

SIDS:  A Father's Journey by John James

Many times men have a hard time speaking out about grief and bereavement.  Men, often times, feel the need to be strong and end up bottling up all emotion and grief for fear of being perceived as 'weak'. 

It takes a strong man to cope.  It takes an even stronger man to speak out and help others cope.

This story is written by John James.  This is his story, written in his own words.

When it happened, I was just lost.  I had heard of SIDS, but thought "we're good people...it would never happen to us".  I happened to be terribly wrong.  Nobody knows how much I love, yes still, that little guy!  Being in Law Enforcement my whole life, I had a belief in justice.  If I'm a good person, good will happen to me.  I was wrong, again.  The anger came next.  I was just mad at the world!  I had no one to blame, so I lashed out at whoever I could.  Finally, I turned the anger inwards and then my health started to suffer.  I was diagnosed with moderate depression and high blood pressure.  I decided that the one I was angry at was me.  I am his father...I'm supposed to protect him from everything, and I couldn't.  I felt like a complete failure.  I had many suicidal thoughts.  I just couldn't get the images of him on the stretcher out of my mind.  When I went back to work, I was there, but not there.  My mind tended to be a million miles away from what I was doing.  This is not a good thing in my career!   I, also, would "go off" at the drop of a hat. One of my co-workers pulled me aside one day to talk.  He said that while serving in Vietnam, the same thing had happened to he and his wife.  He told me that what I felt was normal, and that he still felt the same thing, only not as pronounced.  He said that time does heal.  It wont make the pain go away, but it does "dull" it some.  He continued to build his family and they were the greatest joy of his life. 
    
One morning, at work, I started to have chest pains.  Being a guy, I ignored it and wrote it off as indigestion.  When I got home, I still had it.  I told my wife that when I woke up I would call the doctor if I was still hurting.  When I woke up, I was hurting even worse.  My doctor sent me straight to the ER.  They decided to run tests, one of which being a stress test.  When I started it, I knew I would "ace" it.  The doctor asked if I could run for 2 more minutes.  I told him that I could run for 20 more minutes!  I got off of the treadmill and the doctor said that my heart was great!  He told me to sit down, and that's when the "fun" began.  I remember telling him that I was feeling "light-headed", then I was out.  When I came to, he was doing chest compressions on me!  Apparently, my heart had just stopped.  I stayed in the hospital for another week, during which, I was fitted with a pacemaker.  It finally appeared to me that the turning the hate and anger inward was just not working out too well.  I ended up having to retire early from work.

Now the good things!

While enduring this ordeal, I have found that I tend to be much more compassionate.  I also found out who my friends are.  The Sheriff's Department that I worked for was a Godsend!  While I was trying to work, they took care of me.  My LT. told me to do what I could and just take care of myself and take it easy.  He always made sure that I would not be in a position to get myself or someone else hurt.  He became one of my best friends!  When I just needed to talk, he listened and didn't try to analyze me.  He and I are actually going to a baseball game tomorrow night.  A majority of my other co workers were the same way.  On my last day, the Sheriff told me that If I, or my wife, ever needed anything he would run to us!  It all made me feel so much better.
Without my wonderful wife, there's no way I could have made it.  We "really" became best friends.  I could look into her eyes and see what I was feeling.  I think that we became much closer.  Oh yeah...she told me about 3 months ago that I was going to be a father again!  For Father's Day, she got me a card that said "to a wonderful father of two!"  That really made me feel better!

It finally feels like I may have turned a corner, but I'll never forget one second of my time with my son.