Siblings and Grief

When Aiden passed away in 2004, Caleb, my eldest was about a year and a half.  Although he was young, he saw everything that morning.  He sat at the side of his crib as I screamed.  He watched the attempted CPR.  He was there when the paramedics took Aiden away.  He absorbed it all; felt it all.  I can't help but wonder sometimes if this changed him somehow; changed who he would have been if he hadn't been there to see all of this.

Caleb was also at the funeral.  He watched as I kissed his baby brother goodbye for the last time.  He saw Aiden motionless, lifeless, in a tiny casket.  He was there when we placed a rose and kissed the casket for the last time before they lowered his baby brother into the Earth. 

Caleb was there when Mommy didn't want to get out of bed. 
Caleb was there when Mommy cried, and cried, and cried.
Caleb was there when Mommy screamed at God.
Caleb was there when Mommy cleaned Aiden's plaque at the cemetery.
Caleb was there through every birthday and anniversary.
Caleb saw.
Caleb felt.
Caleb has absorbed all of this grief.

The year after Aiden died, and again in 2008, I gave birth each of those years to two girls.  Although they never 'met' Aiden, they too, are there through every birthday, every anniversary, every 'rough patch'.

All three of them (Caleb, Adia and Maia) know they have a brother, Aiden, who is the brightest star in the night sky, who is an angel in Heaven, and who Mommy misses dearly and sometimes cries for. 

It is my opinion as a mother, and a bereaved mother, that children have the ability to absorb and understand more than we give them credit for.  Their output is limited due to their obvious lack of vocabulary, but children can sense, they can feel, and they do remember.

We, as adults, are trying to cope and at the same time rebuild our lives around this hole in our hearts. Sometimes, we get so caught up in our own grief, depression and mourning that we forget that our other children, although resilient, are grieving too. At least, thats how it was for me.

I am reminded though, by my children, that they too are grieving the same loss.  While they may not fully understand, they do know that a part of our world is, in a sense, missing.

When I'm sad, Caleb automatically contributes this to missing Aiden.  He tells me that he misses him too.

Adia, when playing with her dolls, used to think that all babies died... like her brother did.

Caleb, Adia and Maia will all make every bright star known to me and remind me, that this is Aiden looking down on us.

Being a mother is hard on its own.  Being a bereaved mother, overwhelming.  Explaining SIDS to your living children, heartbreaking.  I can't even explain a logical reason half the time to myself.

The following is my own personal advice as a mother, and bereaved mother.  I am not a counselor, doctor, or therapist.  However, I have walked this path and found these most helpful in dealing with my own experience.

• Have conversations about this loss with your living children.  Allow them to speak freely about how they feel.  This will not only inform you of where they're at, but allow them to feel comfortable in speaking about this with you.  Remember:  They love you.  They don't want to make you sad.  So if they feel like its not okay to talk about this, they won't. 
• Allow them to be a part of baking cakes on birthdays, balloon releases, or whichever activity you choose to remember and celebrate your angel's life. 
• Children often say things very bluntly.  As stated earlier, Adia believed all babies simply died.  Try not to get too emotional and never scold your child for speaking about this or like this.  Children have the uncanny ability to blame themselves for everything that they can't explain.  Offer an explanation and remind them it is not their fault, or YOURS.
• Always, let your children know that its okay to miss their brother or sister and encourage them to talk about their feelings.  Bottled up emotions are a disaster, not only for us, but especially for children.
• And finally, when speaking about Heaven, always remind them that this is a place they cannot go.  Children do not fully understand the concept of death and Heaven.  They may misconstrue this and think Heaven is just like going to Chuck-E-Cheese. 

For additional information please visit:  http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf

As always, if you have additional questions, please feel free to ask.

- Jes

How many children do you have?

"How many children do you have?"

This question seemed like an easy one to answer... prior to losing Aiden. 

Now, this question seemed so complex; almost unanswerable.

If I say four, will I have to go into detail?
If I say three, does that mean I am denying my son?

To be honest, I've answered the question both ways. 

There are times that I simply cannot speak about SIDS, or what happened to my son without breaking down; my rough patches.   At those times, I know that I am not capable of explaining what happened to Aiden; so I simply don't.

Does this mean I am denying my son, his existence, his life?  Absolutely not. 

The harsh reality is, I will be reminded everyday that my son lived... and died.  I will be reminded everyday that there is a hole in my heart that will never heal.  I will be reminded everyday, when I look at my living children, of how much I miss my son.  How could I deny that?

There are times when I don't want to or simply can't explain the tragedy of my son's death, explain what SIDS is, all while bawling to the Avon lady I just met.  And THAT IS OKAY. 

Revealing such personal grief is a choice that only you can make. 

- Jes

To Cope or Not to Cope....

One of the most difficult facts to for me to digest was accepting that life will never be 'normal' again.  I will, no matter what, always be this broken, bereaved, grieving mother.  These are titles I will never be able to overcome, relinquish, or delete. 

However, this new way of life can be worth living again if you choose to cope.

Whether you are just beginning on this path, or have wandered aimlessly for years trying to make sense of it all, from my own experience, it is never too late to choose to deal, to manage, to cope. 

I cannot promise that we will ever heal or recover from our sadness, but I can promise that with time, with coping, you will learn to give yourself permission to live, smile, even laugh again. 

The rough patches will always occur.  Sometimes expected, sometimes kicking your feet out from under you rendering you helpless with grief, drowning in sorrow.  It is in those times that we learn to pick ourselves back up, move forward, and reemember the miracle of our children's short lives, instead of dwelling on tragedy of their deaths.

Creating purpose, embracing support, and understanding that there is life after death - you can survive this.

Love, Jes


Read my story here...

Response to CafeMom/The Stir Blog entitled: "SIDS No Longer Cause of Baby Death."

Dear April:

I read your article entitled: "SIDS No Longer Cause of Baby Death."  I must say I am hurt and at the very least offended by your article. 

My name is Jes.  I am a bereaved mother.  My son’s cause of death:  SIDS. 

I run a huge support network which consists of bereaved mothers, fathers, siblings, extended family members, friends, babysitters, and those looking to educate themselves.  From the content of your article, it looks like you could possibly use some education in not only FACTS surrounding a SIDS determined cause of death; but it also sounds like you need to educate yourself on what a bereaved parent, a SIDS parent’s struggle with coping with such a devastating and tragic loss.

Your article was carelessly written and holds little no merit or fact.  The damage your article could do to many bereaved parents could be irreparable, at the very least.

“Many factors argue persuasively that SIDS is not a result of suffocation. The epidemiological profile of SIDS makes it impossible to believe that accidental (or homicidal) suffocation is the mechanism of death in the overwhelming majority of these babies. Infants who die of SIDS generally are between two and five months of age, die more commonly in winter than other months, and are healthy, fed, placed in bed, and then found dead during a period when sleeping was thought to be occurring. When the death scene is investigated, evidence suggesting suffocation is not seen. For example, circumstances which might cause suffocation, such as items in the crib or finding baby's nose and mouth compressed against another surface when discovered lifeless, are not identified. Further, postmortem examination of babies dying of SIDS does not reveal physical signs of occlusion of the nose and mouth, and foreign bodies are not identified in the upper airway. Finally, experienced forensic pathologists are able to discern quite easily the signs of resuscitation as opposed to suffocation.” 

I assume from your profile you are not a bereaved parent.  SIDS has not stolen one of your children.  You have not had to pick out a casket nor arrange a funeral for your child.  I again am assuming that since you have not buried your children, you have not had to deal with the guilt, the self-loathing, suicidal ideations, the constant emptiness, worthlessness.  You have not had to find your child, lifeless, motionless and grey. 

You’ve never heard the words:  “We couldn’t’ save your baby, I’m sorry.”  Your heart, I’m sure, doesn’t skip a beat when you hear your dead child’s name called by another mother, randomly, in the grocery store.  I’m sure you’ve never had to bake a cake, only to sit and let your tears fall into the icing because YOU are blowing out the candles at a cemetery. 

I can only assume since you are not a SIDS mother, you haven’t had to deal with the looks, the whispers, the egg-shells people walk on when they’re around you.  I’m sure that your LIVING children haven’t been forgotten by almost the entire world because even your closest friends fear talking about the subject of your dead baby like it’s the plague.

Questioning yourself, what you should have, could have, would have done; and knowing you can’t change the past and begging God at the top of your lungs with tear-filled eyes to take you instead. 
I suggest that you visit my web-site and watch “The Heartbreak of SIDS” and then do some research, real research.  http://www.learningtocope.weebly.com/

Believe me, as a SIDS mother, one of the hardest things to swallow is there is NO REASON for my son, my AIDEN, to be gone from this Earth. 

It is my hope that you responsibly and compassionately retract your unfounded statements and ludicrous opinions and empathize with the parents, the SIDS parents, you have just thoroughly offended and hurt with this article.

If you would like to be educated, please let me know.

Jes